35 + Single Motherhood
My mom gave birth to me as a seventeen year old high school senior. By the time she turned my current age, thirty-five, she had been a mother for half of her life. It is said that hindsight is 20/20 vision. I believe it. Since September I've been reflecting on Mama's life + therefore my own. It's hard to separate the two since they are so intricately intertwined.
I can not imagine... being where I am, trying to figure out how to balance work, dating, higher education, friends, purpose - all while preparing my eighteen year old daughter to go into the world on her own. A daughter who is engaged +
has committed to serve in the Army.
Can you see her?
Working eight to twelve hours a day then coming home to make sure her children transition to their after school activities smoothly? She needs a moment to just breathe, inhale deeply, but she's pressing on to make sure they have a meal before they leave.
Can you see her?
Trying to navigate her love life while watching her daughter commit her world to a dead end relationship? Her daughter is not a girl anymore but not quite an adult. She wishes her eighteen year old understood that she has so much more to learn about the world and herself.
Can you see her?
Wanting to be at her children's basketball, volleyball, & dance team events but she needs the overtime to make extracurricular activities possible.
Can you see her?
Affirming her kids in their existence while not fully grasping her own place on this earth?
I see her.
Everyday she is striving for balance, to be present for her children while showing up for herself. Giving although she's depleted. Swallowing tears. Deferring dreams. Smiling. Cheering, Encouraging while she seldom gets what she needs in return.
It. Is. Exhausting
One of my old pastors addressed our congregation and told us not to judge single mothers. "I wonder how big my belly would be if I had to wear my sin under my shirt."
Insightful.
Because I see my mama in another dimension, I behold a new level of adoration for you single mama.
I can't imagine yet... it is your reality.
I know you are giving it: life + your little ones everything you've got + then some.
Your children probably have no idea how you make things happen therefore take a lot for granted. They may fit perfectly in your arms, wearing your nerves out singing the shark song or covering facial blemishes with Snapchat filters . Until they can grasp all that you do, hear the words I wish I had known to say to my mom.
Mama,
You are doing everything you possibly can to make my world go round. I love you so much + one day, I'm going to make you so proud.
~XO
Torrie
